What was I thinking

Hey,
Well I've managed to get worse today than I was yesterday. I am going to go do a few things, namely Leanna Browns sink
and possibly Joes phone line, depends on how weak and sweaty I get doing that one! I am not rushing out the door however. It is supposed to snow the rest of the week with only a slight break today for a few hours. I have postponed the 4r on lot 13 until after christmas, I had it set up for yesterday and apparentely Jeff can't approve truss calcs and Jim is out of town(whatever!) Anyway, I am going to clear some lung butter and get to it. Geeze, the president elect can't even vacation in peace, on the Today show they are interviewing the gardener where he is staying on his vacation in Hawaii. " Ges, he nod at me on his way to wash his balls in the bird bath, can choo beleb it!"
So while I'm here, the latest is that "anyone who compares this economic crisis we are in with the great depression is insane." Well being as I was not a thought in my grandfathers mind yet, I wouldn't know, but it seems to me that the only reason that we are not that far down is because technology and the advancement of our overall society has created more jobs and opportunities than were available back then. Back then when the latest advancements were based around what we would consider today to be flinston-esc technology. Although its not to say that we are now in a quagmire of possible destruction due to our ever processing minds. Anyway, what do you think? This is part of an e-mail I sent my boss by the way.

where lies sanctity

I have lost a space, an embodiment of energy that sometimes might be called an introspective field of confidence. It is more than that though, it is an actual physical feeling or force if you will between humans. A feeling of being around others and just wanting to scoop them up and feed them your positive energy, where you can actually feel it escaping your body and going into theres. Where is it now, I don't know. For this is not a sexual thing, but rather a love thing coming from the soul. However it has been known to aide in the sex thing, not intentionally, but being one of an intense sexual nature I never used to complain. Anybody out there know what i am talking about. Sometimes I think to myself that because I was so insecure and in a constant state of identity crisis when in junior and high school, as it was easier to mimic one of my friends rather be myself, I finally discovered that who i really was, was actually looked up to by many people. Oh shit I am a god! Totally confused, I than began to see myself as sitting on a high horse all the while trying to pretend to be humble. This of course led to a snyde attitude and poor treatment of my peirs in the kitchen that I felt did not belong in a professional kitchen. Instead of teaching them, I made a faint attempt to show them how to do it and if they couldn;t get it the first time , they were out, or back to the pantry. My point is that over the years the "human element" as qouted from the tv commercial has been lost with me. Any responses or thoughts out there?

Giants are all around us

Living amongst giants, to me something that has been a reality for a long time, but only recently has it come to light. This being because of the fact that I have had my head in the clouds for the past ten or twelve years, so self consumed that I haven’t even recognized that indeed I am living amongst giants. I sat at the table yesterday with my grandfather(once an opening principal and later Assistant Superintendent of Santa Cruz Schools) and the love of his life, one Thelma Dalmen, a true hero in the gastronomic realm of social reform and lobbyist for health in our public schools lunch programs. She began as the Head of Food services in Santa Cruz County Schools, lobbying in Washington D.C. for healthy changes and the introduction of tofu into the schools lunch program. Sighting that it was so much healthier and less fattening , indeed it was versatile and very handy at soaking up sauces and carrying flavor. She fought and fought but unfortunately to her dismay, the bill that she was proposing had a nasty attachment to it, given by the writer for that particular lobby, along with her tofu was attached that a cold nutrition less lump of relish and ketchup sitting atop a dry hamburger and lifeless bun would fulfill the daily requirements for consumption by the young students. This was a huge disappointment and actually knowing well that this was ridiculous had to vote against her own bill,. Her laborious pursuits and constant involvement in hospitality and services eventually evoked a new idea and that idea in her own thoughts , “Why not bring hot meals to the disabled and elderly who cannot feed themselves and are not able to leave the house?, we will do it right out of the schools kitchens!” Thus the forerunner to Meals on Wheels was born. My Grandmother, as I call her now, did not receive much credit for her accomplishments, the accolades would go to some guy who came into the much needed program six years into it. “Oh well she said, I received some award, I can’t remember what it was now.” I couldn’t believe it, I have been cooking professionally for some twelve years and have always done functions for Meals on Wheels through the establishments I worked for, and here I was sitting with the person that dreamed up the idea, proposed it, developed it and saw it through!, In that moment I was living amongst a giant!
My Grandfather, Bob Soderholm, whom I mentioned before is the father of my father, a legend and giant himself. My pop, was a policeman. For 30 some odd years he served and protected the people of first Auburn and than Santa Cruz and ultimately Santa Clara where he did his ten year fighting the socially inept and wayward souls of the criminal element, as well(the worst part) those passionate lovers, whose quarrels would stagger even the bravest of men. You know the wife chasing the husband around with the carving set on Thanksgiving Day, those lovers.
All this I have written leads me to this, we all wish and strive to live and work in sanity. Surrounded by people of like minds that talk to each other pleasantly, feed each other, are not weird about closeness and are unafraid of change, even if it is not to their advantage. How is it that we pass each day, self reflection, consuming almost every thought and yet we walk through life almost completely without regard of our fellows. This is a sure sign of a world that lacks conscious. I mean, you would think that we are or should be trying to be better people, if we are reflecting on the fact that we treat other people poorly, wouldn’t we want to change that?
I am sure of it, that between my father the public servant, my mother the strong yet warm soul that has held us all together through thick and thin, my brother doing science for the greater good(a molecular biologist), my grandfather a blessed soul who at 90 years only complains of losing his eye sight(he is an intellectual who loves to read, not being able to bothers him) my grandmother the activist and lobbyist and all the other pleasant and selfless souls around me, absolutely positive, that I truly am living amongst giants.
.

don't drink

Emerging from the depths of pain, ignorance and pale emotions, this mans heart remained stoic, chissled from stone and beating only to maintain blood flow in his rigid body. Hurt and utter disappointment was all he knew. He had for seen his future, bleakness on the horizon, a bowl of dry and blackened rose petals.
Stone cold, a man eating beast of burden awoke to the smell of stale cigarettes and the feel of stained and ruffled sheets. She was living in a realm of musty odors, filtered sunlight and dirty, cold hardwood floors. A splash of cold water to the face would relieve the matastasizing throb under her icy blue eyes. Whiskey, a wretched stench at ten o'clock in the morning emerged out of stale mouth and cracked lips which were hidden by blood red lipstick.
They met under circumstances that could only unite the type of baggage that one carries for an around the world trip to oblivion. Both of them hardened, sad and disappointed as to what their lives had amounted to, the first glimpses of eachother were merely recognition of the others outward expression voicing that they were done. Done, done chasing an uncontrollable beast, done repeating insanity(doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results) over and over again. Done making excuses for years of borrowed time and less than extraordinary choices, the adjoining of both energies surmounted to a crossing of paths at a meeting for recovery.
After six months of bumping shoulders and witnessing change and re-birth of electrical energy in each other, the two spoke to one another. Exchange of words was limited and soft. Humble in nature , neither one was yet an embodiment of confidance.
Coffee and shared plumes of cigarette smoke would bring these healing souls together. Scar tissue would be indefinite, but over time would fade, exposiing flush, healthy skin, warm smiles and a hint of tranquility. Joy would come regardless on an individual levelfor each knew they could not rely on the other for protection from the dark alleys that were their own minds. Co-dependancy could not salvage their dampened souls, only a personal relationship with God could do this. None the less, souls will unite and that they did.
Choices are made, sexual energy grows and emotions play out like a risky game of poker set against a noisy house of confusion.
As the stability of sobriety came to pass, comfort now reigned as did complacency and a lapse of reason that was a constant. Emotions flooded these two just as did the putrid toxins that once were packed in their vanes.
As the tide commenced, the sun set and the moon rose, the time that passed assured ill fate to a once blossoming romance.
Bargaining, denial and the baggage they once individually carried now shared the same overhead compartment. Personal demons spilled over into jealousy, resentment and insecurity. Ties that once binded were now broken, liquid hell would initiate their downward spiral once again.
This is the fate one assuredly chooses when romance and all that comes with it takes prescedance over our personal growth in sobriety. Time and time again this has proven itself to be true, and yet the persistance continues as we detach our hearts from our minds.

Theres a fly in the house

Theres a fly in the house, to which in this cold fridged place of winter is a welcome sign.
Spring is coming and HALLELUJAH! Theres a fly in the house!
My friends lay claim to mosquito bites as if they were the bite of a fallen angel
Theres a fly in the house and the temperature yesterday was 55 degrees, almost shorts weather!
Theres a fly in the house and I am glad for yet another relationship has gone awry
and the throws of winter would have me in a dark place over it
But, theres a fly in the house and the dark places don't exist this time of year
Theres a fly in the house and the dog nips and snaps with her ears standing tall and her head cocked in a curious pose, at that little bugger that zooms in at her, teasing her and taunting her like an acrobatic pilot
Theres a fly in the house and I must go, for with it comes loss of an hour in the morn', and my day will begin soon

Bar room stare

I recently read an article exploring Marco Pierre White cooking in Jamaica. Turns out he is close friends with the owners of Sandals and Beaches resorts, who subsiquently are behind some other resorts, one of which White is creating the menu for. So I have also recently read a book written by White, an Autobiography called Devil in the Kitchen, called White Heat in Brittain. I remember him mentioning in this book his distase for the lack of normal social interaction which comes naturally with working behind the stove. Funny, it is mentioned again in this article that I read. It is not quoted but the article tells that he feels that working in professional kitchens for so many years gave him a sort of social retardation and distanced him from his children. This is why he left the kitchen all together. I love this guy. For years I felt the same way, going to the bar or some social event after work or on my day off and looking around and thinking "oh my gosh, I have nothing to say to these people!" Which is strange for me because I am a very social person. Usually so exhausted that I could barley keep my eyes open, back aching, feet throbbing and hands stained, scraped and burned, the place for me was on the couch, reading Newsweek and watching television, with the occasional trip outside to see the sunshine. Man it has been so long since I have been that tired. There is no way to describe the mental and physical drain that comes with working in a professional kitchen. I will say this to people and they will say "well that comes with any job". Uh, no, no it doesn't. Imagine being an er doctor(not that cooking professionally is on the same level mentally or emotionally, only physically and demand wise) and you have a patient being admitted every one to two minutes, and you have to have them stiched and out the door in no more than 30 minutes but you need to start on them in no more than ten minutes from the time of diagnoses. You will be recieving an average of 250-350 patients that night in a 6 hour period. O.K.........GO! Oh yeah, your operating room is an average of 100-120 degrees Farenheight at any given time. Like I said, being a medical doctor or any job in the medical field is 10000 times more important and I am sure stressful, I am just using it as an example. oops, not watching the time, gotta go!

Patience and tolerance

So its snowing and its snowing a lot, were talkin' two and a half feet overnight, and boy it just keeps comin'! The flakes as my friend put it"are the size of pancakes!" At this point, the only people that feel that this is a" winter wonderland "are those who are veiwing from far off places, like Mexico for instance. "Oh mira!, miho ven aqui! ven aqui, en la television, si! aye mucho nieve circa de Norte California! Mira, que bonita!" Que bonita? This is beautiful for about five minutes when you wake in the morning and your eyes are heavy from sleep and sweet dreams, and your bed is warm, and you wiggle around like a new born. Than suddenly it dawns on you that in order to get anywhere you need to go shovel that white crap. As well blow it with your snowblower(if you have one) and with a storm like is happening today, the shoveling will last for at least two or three days! Ahhh! It is reminiscent of "The Shining" out here, or for you who are familiar with Groundskeeper Willy "The Shinin"(Shin-in). "Heeeeereeeees Johnny!" The only person I could axe murder out her isn't even a person, its my dog meadow, and she is way too cute to axe murder. I'm off to shovel! Yahh!

Rainy days upon me

Rainy days upon me
through my heart, I cannot see
Bewildered by the darkness
In my mind I am so restless

Days pass by before me
thoughts of
what my life will be destort me

Hounded by the wind and snow
in tow with dissapointment
I grow

For whats to be must be
racked up the scars you
still can see

The light of dawns 'round the corner
to which is my delight, not sorrow
let peace of mind upon yah

So rainy days upon me
but through the mist its plain to see
this to shall pass, as they say
upon which hour its time to play!

Sweet and Grease?

Ahhh, tonight I was reminded of how good apples and chicken fat were together. Pan Roasted Chicken with glazed Gala apples, yams and braised cabbage.
Fricasse chicken -season with kosher salt, no pepper
Starting in a large saute pan, preferably copper or le Cruse for maximum heat distribution
brown chicken skin side down over medium heat, slow enough to crisp and get the skin golden brown
top the fricasse with large dice of apples, yams and cabbage, sprinkle with a little salt and place in a 375 degree oven
The cabbage will brown and crisp a little, so once pan is removed from the oven
put chicken fricasse over the cabbage and veggies, this will wilt and soften that crispiness
Allow to rest for 5-8 minutes
If you haven't figured it out the "glaze" comes from the chicken fat. This is the most basic way to combine the sweet and lemony taste of the Gala apples with chicken and its fat.
You know that we don't use chicken fat enough. It really is so versatile and tastey if used properly. It is important that you cut it with ingredients that are light and acidic. This will allow you to use it fairly liberaly with out the dish seeming greasy.
Another note is that free range is the only way. The breast are large and plump, the meat moist and there is no comparison in the flavor. Not to mention no disgusting thoughts of where and what kind of conditions that foster farms bacteria ball, I mean chicken came from!
So lets give praise to chicken fat and apples
Savory Apple butter served warm(not too hot) where the apples are first poached in chicken fat
Poached apple and foe gras terrine, star anise infused chicken glace(pho broth) lemon verbina, thai basil and bean sprouts with a touch of plum sauce
ooohhh baby I am just getting started. Since I don't have anybody to experiment for I am doing it orally on this little bloggy poo.
Anyway, do the chicken fat and apples thing and tell me you don't love it, Im going to go smoke
erock